Coming out (to myself) at age 41, need advice?

I am 41 yrs old. I have been fighting being gay my entire life. The struggle has contributed to a complete loss of confidence, depression, and panic/anxiety problems. I go through moments where I think I can get by beign with a woman but my true attractions will emerge. I have had with men. I am nearly destroyed mentally from the stress of hiding, lying, and living my life to push people away. Anyway, in the past few years I have gained a lot of weight, eat my lonliness away, and have panic moments. I need to come out to myself. Can any man share their experiences? It's like this....all my friends think of me as gay...except I don't want to accept myself this way. Allow me to rephrase....I will accept myself but the journey is very painful. Midwestern-small town raised boy.